KING MUSK AND THE HUMILIATION OF TRUMP: A HACK FOR THE AGES

Washington, D.C. — In the latest episode of 'What in the Absolute Hell is Happening to This Country,' federal employees at the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) arrived Monday morning, expecting nothing more than the standard soul-crushing monotony of government work. Instead, they were treated to the stomach-turning spectacle of an AI-generated video depicting Donald Trump kissing Elon Musk’s feet, looping endlessly on the cafeteria TVs.

The video, titled “LONG LIVE THE REAL KING,” was as surreal as it was inevitable. It featured Trump—America’s first fully weaponized ego—prostrate before Musk, the billionaire meme-goblin turned government overlord. The image was grotesque. A golden-coiffed political nuclear meltdown groveling at the feet of the man who made Teslas explode on autopilot and Twitter implode on impact.

And yet, as it played on repeat, the most remarkable reaction wasn’t horror. It was laughter. Democrats in Congress openly celebrated the hack—which is rare, given their usual instinct to clutch pearls and deliver statements about “grave concerns.” The House Financial Services Committee, clearly in the mood for some good, old-fashioned trolling, posted “Not all heroes wear capes” on X.

WHO HACKED THE KINGDOM?

The culprit behind this glorious act of digital sedition remains unknown, but the footage first surfaced on X last week—meaning someone took the time to inject it straight into the bloodstream of Trump’s newly militarized bureaucracy. The official HUD response? An aggressive meh. Spokeswoman Kasey Lovett called it “another waste of taxpayer dollars and resources,” promising appropriate action (which, in HUD terms, means absolutely nothing).

While some government officials were frantically pressing buttons to stop the video from playing, Trump himself was reportedly livid. The title, “LONG LIVE THE REAL KING,” was clearly a reference to Musk, not Trump—a direct insult to the notoriously ego-fragile president. The irony of Trump’s own words being twisted into a coronation for his most powerful underling was surely driving him to Mar-a-Lago rage-posting levels of fury.

THE MUSK RECKONING

This fiasco arrives as Musk continues his hostile takeover of the U.S. government. His Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has been operating like a caffeinated Wall Street raider with a grudge, slashing jobs and canceling Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion programs with all the tact of a drunk raccoon armed with hedge clippers.

Musk’s latest diktat? Every federal worker must now submit a list of their accomplishments each week or risk being labeled “useless.” The email—blandly titled “What did you do last week?”—was immediately met with outrage. Even Tulsi Gabbard told employees to ignore it, which is saying something, considering she once tried to single-handedly turn the Democratic Party into a Jocko Willink podcast.

Musk doubled down. “Failure to comply will be taken as a resignation,” he tweeted, presumably while laughing maniacally in a SpaceX control room. The deadline is tonight. There will be blood.

THE INMATES RUN THE ASYLUM

This is the natural consequence of allowing the country to be run like a psychotic shareholders’ meeting. Trump—who still insists that his 2024 victory was “the greatest election win in history”—has handed the keys of the federal government to a man who names his children after algebra equations and spends his time feuding with advertisers and posting memes about his own genitalia.

And yet, the chaos continues. A federal judge has blocked Musk’s DOGE team from accessing Education Department data for now, meaning that while he can demand work updates from thousands of terrified government workers, he can’t yet personally read their grades from third grade. Small victories.

Meanwhile, the hack itself remains unsolved. Was it a disgruntled bureaucrat? A rogue faction within the deep state? Some 14-year-old Discord admin with an axe to grind? Who cares? It was beautiful. For one brief, shining moment, the people of Washington, D.C., were united—not in purpose, but in unrestrained, guttural laughter at the absurd, high-budget reality show their government has become.

“Long live the real king,” indeed.

---