DOGE: JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO VOTE MAGA

It starts with a ripple. A shadow just beneath the surface. The good people of Amity Island—excuse me, America—sit back in their lawn chairs, sipping their officially sanctioned, definitely-not-woke Coors Light, watching the orange-faced mayor assure them the beaches are perfectly safe.

Then, the beast strikes.

One minute, they’re cheering as Donald Trump and Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) sets out to gut the so-called “deep state.” The next, they’re bobbing in the bloodied waters of mass layoffs, clutching pink slips, screaming at the sky, “But I voted for you!”

It was always going to happen. That’s what sharks do. They don’t check your voter registration before they rip you to shreds.

THE WATER LOOKED CALM… THEN MARILYN O’BRIEN GOT PULLED UNDER

Marilyn O’Brien thought she was on the winning team. On February 12, 2025, she logged onto X (formerly Twitter, now a Musk-branded dystopia) and proudly declared:

“Thank God it’s finally happening. Let’s get rid of corruption and all the government waste.”

Four days later, the shark found her family. Her daughter, a longtime employee at Manistee National Forest, was suddenly out of a job. With the same fingers that had just typed out her glee over mass firings, Marilyn smashed out a new, slightly less celebratory message.

“My daughter is losing her job thanks to DOGE. I voted for President Trump three times. My daughter is a hard-working excellent worker for Manistee National Forest. She doesn’t work for DEI. She runs the office. I’m pissed.”

The shark did not pause for a moment of reflection. It did not say, “Wait, this one’s a loyal MAGA voter, let’s skip her.” The shark does not care. The shark only eats.

A VETERAN THOUGHT HE WAS SWIMMING IN SAFE WATERS—THEN CAME THE TEETH

Luke Graziani had spent twenty years in the Army. A disabled veteran. A patriot. A man who devoted his career to serving other veterans at the Bronx VA hospital.

Then, one morning, he walked into work and found out he was no longer employed. DOGE had fired him, along with thousands of other veterans who made the mistake of believing Trump when he said he “loves our troops.”

Shocked and confused, Luke uttered the phrase now echoing across conservative households nationwide:

“I voted for Donald Trump. But this is not what I was expecting.”

What was he expecting? A loyalty exemption? A special “I Voted for Trump” wristband that makes you layoff-proof? Sorry, Luke. That’s not how sharks work.

HE THOUGHT HE WAS PART OF THE CREW—NOW HE’S FLOATING FACE DOWN

Robert McCabe had spent his career at the IRS, working for the very government Trump had promised to “fix.” A dedicated Trump voter, McCabe never imagined that his job would be part of the purge.

Then he found himself staring at an unemployment form, wondering how the deep state could fire one of its own assassins. He admitted feeling “betrayed”, which is the word all these people seem to default to once the shark inevitably turns on them.

EVEN FOX NEWS CAN’T PLUG THE HOLES IN THIS SINKING SHIP

Even Jesse Watters—Trump’s human-shaped spray tan consultant—has started to sweat. After years of faithfully regurgitating every last MAGA talking point, he suddenly had concerns about the layoffs.

It turns out that one of his personal friends, a 20-year military veteran, was getting the DOGE treatment. Watters, visibly alarmed, tried to plead for mercy on Fox News.

“DOGE should spare them,” he said.

Oh, Jesse. Oh, sweet, simple Jesse. The shark does not spare.

THE MAGA MASSACRE: BLOOD IN THE WATER, AND THE SHARK IS STILL HUNGRY

This is not some targeted purge of woke bureaucrats. DOGE is ripping apart the very people who made Trump’s political career possible.

The federal workforce is being shredded, and Trump voters are overrepresented in it. Turns out, when you elect a man who promises to fire everybody, he will eventually fire you.

Government agencies have been gutted. FEMA is bleeding employees, just in time for the next hurricane. The FAA has lost hundreds of aviation safety experts, so maybe now is a great time to cancel that budget airline ticket. The USDA has been hacked to pieces, which is great news if you enjoy foodborne illnesses.

And let’s not forget NASA, where 1,500 employees were shown the door—because Musk has his own space program, and competition is for losers.

Even veterans—the holy grail of MAGA voters—have been massacred. Veterans disproportionately work in federal jobs, which means they disproportionately got laid off.

Two-thirds of veterans voted for Trump. Now, they’re learning an unpleasant truth: the shark does not salute.

FAFO: THEY LURED THE SHARK TO SHORE… AND IT ATE THEM FIRST

There is a universal law, an inescapable force of political physics, known as FAFO.

Marilyn O’Brien found out. Luke Graziani found out. Robert McCabe found out.

And yet, as hundreds of thousands of laid-off Trump voters cry into their rapidly diminishing 401(k)s, Trump is still standing on the shore, playing the role of Mayor Vaughn from JAWS.

“It’s going to be tremendous, folks. Nobody loves federal workers more than me.”

The shark keeps swimming. The bodies keep floating. The people of Amity Island are finally realizing:

They were the ones getting eaten all along.

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